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Struggling with Mum Guilt? How to Practice Self-Compassion When Parenting Gets Tough
"Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is... and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong." - Donna Ball
FROM MUM GUILT TO SELF-COMPASSION
Introduction:
Do you find yourself tangled in the web of mum guilt, particularly when it comes to managing your child's screen time? Struggling with the demands of motherhood and the pressure to be the perfect mum, may make you feel inadequate, if you are also comparing yourself with other mums on social media it can add fuel to any self-doubt you might be already feeling.
You are not alone in this struggle. Many mums experience similar feelings of guilt and self-criticism, especially in today's fast-paced world. We all tend to be harsh on ourselves, especially in motherhood. Fueled by sleep deprivation and comparison with other mums, our inner dialogue often turns critical and judgmental.
Imagine for a moment how you would speak to a friend going through a tough time. Your words would likely be warm, supportive, and kind. Now compare that to how you talk to yourself in moments of struggle. Harsh, judgmental, and downright mean, right? It's a universal phenomenon, but we're not powerless. With some background knowledge and effective tools, we can shift our inner dialogue towards self-compassion and kindness.
Our brains are wired to focus on negative and threatening stimuli, constantly striving to protect us from harm. Understanding this can be incredibly helpful. And the good news is, there are plenty of ways to cultivate self-compassion and kindness, nudging our brains towards a more supportive inner dialogue.
While the inner critic has its place, what we truly need, especially in challenging times like these, is a cheerleader, not a saboteur. We need to build ourselves up, rather than tear ourselves down. We can create a more nurturing and compassionate inner dialogue through our actions, thoughts, and interactions with others.
So how do we do this? Let's explore a few strategies together.
Finding a Loving Kindness Phrase
Loving-kindness phrases are like gentle wishes for ourselves, designed to fulfil universal human needs like love, belonging, and safety. They provide us with what we need to feel whole daily, without relying solely on external validation.
Take a moment to breathe deeply and place a hand on your heart as you honestly answer these questions:
What do I need to hear every day to feel okay?
What do I need to know is true?
Write down whatever comes to mind, whether it's words or phrases. Then, play around with creating sentences that resonate with you. Whether it's using traditional phrasing like "May I" or more direct affirmations like "I am," find what feels right for you. These phrases will serve as anchors in unsettling times, reminding you of your worth and strength.
Adding Soothing Touch
While self-talk is powerful, actions often speak louder than words. Our nervous systems respond positively to touch, helping us calm and regulate ourselves. And the best part? It doesn't always have to come from someone else.
Experiment with different gestures and find what feels most supportive and comforting to you. Whether it's placing a hand on your heart or giving yourself a hug, allow yourself to receive the kindness and care you deserve.
By combining these practices of loving-kindness phrases and soothing touch, you can create a powerful tool for nurturing self-compassion and kindness. It may feel awkward at first, but with practice, it will become second nature.
Remember, these practices are not meant to erase difficult feelings but to hold yourself with compassion and kindness as you navigate the ups and downs of motherhood. So go ahead, embrace the journey of self-discovery and cultivate a mindset of love and self-compassion. You deserve it.
Ten Tips for Managing Mum Guilt:
Take breaks when you need them: Allow yourself time to recharge and prioritse self-care activities that rejuvenate you, whether it's reading a book, taking a walk, or enjoying a hot bath.
Focus on your strengths as a mum: Reflect on the positive aspects of your parenting, such as your unconditional love for your children, your ability to make them laugh, or your dedication to their well-being.
Practice self-care activities that make you feel good: Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it's pursuing a hobby, practicing mindfulness, or spending time with loved ones.
Challenge negative thoughts about yourself: Replace self-critical thoughts with compassionate and affirming ones. Remind yourself that you're doing the best you can and that it's okay to prioritize your own needs.
Set realistic expectations for yourself and your children: Avoid comparing yourself to unrealistic standards and focus on setting achievable goals that align with your values and capabilities.
Be kind to yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you show to your children. Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings.
Remember that you're not alone in feeling guilty: Recognize that many mums experience similar feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Seek solace in knowing that you're part of a supportive community of mothers who understand and empathize with your struggles.
Journal your feelings to make sense of them: Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you process and make sense of your feelings of guilt. Use journaling as a tool for self-reflection and self-discovery.
Seek professional help if needed: If you're struggling to cope with overwhelming feelings of guilt, don't hesitate to seek support from a therapist or counselor. Professional guidance can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to navigate your emotions effectively.
Remind yourself that you're a good mum, and your love matters most: Above all else, remember that your love and dedication to your children are what truly matter. Trust in your abilities as a mum and believe in the strength of your maternal bond.
SELF COMPASSION JOURNALING ACTIVITY
Welcome to today's journaling activity focused on noticing your guilt and developing love and self-compassion. Grab your journal and get ready to dive into some reflective questions. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, just honest reflections to help you on your journey of self-discovery."
Question 1: Reflect on a recent moment when you felt guilty as a mum. What triggered this feeling, and how did you react?
Question 2: What are some common situations or circumstances that tend to evoke feelings of guilt for you as a mum?
Question 3: How do you typically respond to feelings of guilt? Do you internalise them or express them outwardly?
Question 4: Consider the expectations you hold for yourself as a mum. Are they realistic? Do they contribute to feelings of guilt?
Question 5: Think about a time when you showed kindness or patience towards yourself. How did this experience make you feel?
Question 6: Reflect on the qualities that make you a good mum. What strengths do you possess, and how do they benefit your children?
Question 7: Imagine offering words of encouragement and support to a fellow mum experiencing guilt. What would you say to her?
Question 8: Consider the concept of self-compassion. How do you currently practice self-compassion in your daily life?
Question 9: What are some ways you can show love and kindness to yourself, especially during moments of guilt or self-doubt?
Question 10: Imagine your ideal relationship with yourself as a mum. What would it look like, and how can you work towards nurturing this relationship?
Take your time to reflect on each question and write down your thoughts and insights in your journal. Remember, this is a safe space for self-reflection and exploration. Be gentle with yourself and embrace the journey towards greater love and self-compassion.
